This Is No Wound

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 17:35:21 GMT

A chunk of the single consciousness chipped off
Stuffed into skin and sin
On a spinning rock
With seven billion of its kind
So separated
Erecting walls with razor wire
And hostile glances to neutralize the enemy
Now back from the other side
We are the light
Cleverly disguised
But its hard to see
For the first time
Before this body deconfigures
And fades into memory
With all the parts of who these people are
Just out of reach
Only then can we start to see
There is no isolation
The boundaries recede
We dissolve like sand
And things run together like water
This remembering comes over us
Licking flaming tongues of truths we feel so familiar with
But never recognized
There is so much more than we can even feel
Pointillism portraits of all we see
Spiral together to open up infinity
Such an inviting birth canal
Pulsating waves of promise
Just past the bounds of the body

I feel there is a power beyond ourselves
Creating
Sustaining
Igniting
A constant vibration in each of our cells
Listen closely
A universal rhythm that underlies all
A single unanimous union of sound
Summing all possible creative expressions unbound
A power
A force
A vibratory memory
Pounding its way out from inside of me
There is something huge and sound
Beyond measure or fathoming
Infinite in every aspect since it is only possibilities
The essence of a higher power is the same as you and me
We are created to experience consciousness
Our only quality capacity
Overflowing with creativity
And capability
And I feel like I misrepresent it
Can’t sing or say or scream or make
Enough to pay my respects
Feeling stuck and stagnant
As though my possibilities can only be realized outside of me
Like this ambiguous ball of creativity
Is fighting to be free
I feel it and take pains to recognize it
I struggle to integrate what I think I know, cause

Time flows and folds five ways
As the four corners of the universe reinforce us
With consciousness thrice missed
By the two eyes staring back from each of us
As one mind configures everything
And we keep on trucking
Keep on going
Get up out of bed each day and slug on like this is the living end
Like this is the real deal
Our purpose so tactile and sure
Like this way of life is our truest choice
Something under my deepest voice tells me

There is more

These ideas are more than feelings
More than skin deep
Bare bones and exposed souls we stand together
While temporarily separated into these beings
We are still one
These truths are heavy and hard to hold
Hard to see in the light of reality
When the daylight falls upon our faces
And we turn away from one another
Forgoing the bonds that are ours to make
With each other
And choosing instead to stare at the ground
When shuffling feet turn sidestreets into highways
Our windshields are our glassy gaze
Bouncing off one another like glue and rubber
No impression is made

Sometimes I can narrow my sadness to a pinpoint
Be certain what is missing
This feeling of the greater whole
Too far from returning to the source
I feel I know what I am
And this person
This body and its limits
The machinery I operate with
This has never been it
I am just a part of the One thing
Separated temporarily in flesh
Robed in this human garment
For now
But I have deep anxiety and ambiguous loss
Over being separate from myself

I have to pretend I don’t feel like this
Like I haven’t heard the words through the leaves of trees
Whispered into my brain by the only mouth I’ve ever kissed
The anxiety is building inside of me
Like I am being pushed apart
Internally expanding and space can’t keep up with me
What can I do to use this truth?
What can I do to make this permanent
To make me change this time?
The eternal now is a gift I can’t appreciate
Unjustly given to a spoiled child like me
I play instead with the box it came in
Trying to keep it controlled and contained
Reduce the nature of infinity to tangible units
And build myself a house of cards in which to live

Imaging disintegrating
Back into that One thing
The only thing that’s ever been

Outside of fleshy humanity
This borrowed reality
Is temporary
And fleeting
And we are more than that to which we cling
We know this but cannot act
Paralyzing depression and altered brain chemistry holding us back
So many of us living in fear of our own capabilities and capacity
Medicated for our creativity
Stifle the symptom and spread the disease
More than a wave of bipolar disorder
Schizophrenia and ADD
There’s something wrong with everybody
We fight ourselves to keep our truths at bay
Championing our own sinking ships
We swan dive into the abyss

To me it feels like hot, fast anxiety
Rushing over me
PulsingReplicatingRushingPushingGrowing
Up from my gut
Visible all over my face
I’m screaming in the language of the body
Feels like I am exploding
RippingBurstingSwelling with every breath
Sit still
Don’t fidget or fuss
Stifling myself in with misplaced self-control
I need to stop this censorship from coming up
Stop holding my tongue
Need to get this out of my gut
Out of me before I am out of space
And need to look for somewhere else to be
Ill chase it beat it outsmart it race it
Meet it halfway
Tear up my skin and step in
So I can mediate
Between my many sides
The anxiety covers my creativity
A smothering swaddle that’s been long outgrown
It needs to stop using my voice to scold me
And the tension in my body to bind me

I need to take a deep breath and scream what I mean
Breath
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am tired of being too much.

I have been told I am too intense
I have been told I need to tone it down
Well
Maybe it is you who is tone deaf if you think I need to tone it down
Maybe it is you who has your tenses mixed up if you think I am too intense
For there was a time when you too lived intensity
In-tent-city
Lived in tents of skin
Stone-scraped by hand
Meticulously
We were wild once
And lived intensely with ferocity
We were bare feet and raw meat
With blood, dirt and grass stains as makeup
When eyeshadows were cell memories
Never let it slip from your consciousness
We were wild and unified before we were we
And souls didn’t show up with Australopithecines
These parts of us have always been
Never forget
What we are
The evidence is in our fingernail-tipped digits
Wagged with distaste at our former savagery
Why do you think we have these things?
The remains of the old order evolution
For scraping, clutching, scratching, digging
Now we listen to our claws click clacking on keyboards
Professionally

Even before we were all African People
And learned to walk upright
Before Lucy and Leitoli
And the loss of opposable toes
We have been wild longer than anything else
Civilization is an off color joke
To the part of all of us that remembers being the first cell

And before that we were atoms and photons
Matter and energy are indistinguishable if you look close enough
The equations of our existence don’t always commute
Our wavelengths created by the sines and cosines of dichotomy
Between individuality and unity

And knowing of the seamless flow and entirety of consciousness
We seek to seep into one another
Meet that one person who makes you whole
And blur the lines between I and I in metaphysical fornication

I have poured myself out into others
Out /into/among them
Pour drip drain draw stretch myself
Out in front of them
I’m spread so thin

And so we scream inside
And no one knows
Our solitude a significant side effect
Of the splintering of the single thing

It makes me want to shed skin and self
In hallucinations of benevolent bloodshed
Imagining my face peeled back and off
Revealing
Grinning
Teeth and tissue
Blood and bone
Though make no mistake
This is not violence
This is my truth
And there is strength in my resolve to devolve
To step out of fleshy soft tissues and calluses
Birthmarks and birthrights
And all the layers of identity to which I have ascribed
Let it all fall aside
And walk away
To dissipate into the atmosphere
Like I was never even here
And dissolve back into that one thing
The only thing that’s ever been
And only then when I am bodiless and boundless
Can anyone see that none of this was ever me
Once ripped apart from the inside
With my flesh deconfigured beyond function
And all the trappings of my personality
Detonated and deployed
I will say
Without my voice
This is no wound
This is the fertile void

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 19:21:09 GMT

i AMbiguity
have seen the light
behold
its neither black nor white

botchedlobotomy

This Is No Wound